Tired of Tears

TO MY BELOVED DADDY

24/11/11.

Clearly remember what happened that day, what i wore that day, what I said, what I did, and how u looked at me that day.

It still stay vivid on my mind. received the worst news ever more than Unforgettable.

The fact u're gone hurt so deeply that I'm completely numb to even cry.

I only can shed tears but it seems helpless to cry my heart out.

Why is it so fast for You to leave us and so long more of our journey to move on?

The scar you left was deep but the memories you left was endless.

I HATE WHEN YOU"RE GONE.

Everyday time is going and passing and I'm going through all these traffic.

I just wanna go back to the past where there used to be US.

The 8 of us. Where He and You're still in.

Now it only left 6 of us and it's so hard to stand firm and strong in front of those people.

So hard to go through life , so hard to go through each day without thinking how nice will it be if you were still to be around.

This was Just last end year you brought this tiny little monster and make him my precious and today I'm his tight enemy. Lots happened when you're gone.

I remembered the first time this lil' monster tried to attack and you rescued me and he treats me like his precious again.

today there's no you, and I've turned into his tight enemy. and just another stranger.

Time flies it feels it was just yesterday you left. without words, just a cold stare that I cant explained. But I'm happy you waited for me. but the saddest part was there's no last messsage. I just wish you could tell me more of you and share more of us.

Where we used to share much in the hospital when i was with you chatting away of your past life.

The fact you're gone now really hurts a lot.

THE ANGER THE DISAPPOINTMENT

THE FRUST that you're not around kills.

The sight of a small girl with her daddy being clingy stings right in the heart.

I no longer have the chance.

NO LONGER.

I'm so sick of tears now.

Numb of it.

Meaningless.

It doesn't help heals the aching heart. It makes the ache worse.

Pa, one year has been lots of up and down without you.

The seldom visits hurts even more.

Not just Mum needs you but Us too.

Mum hide her pain and don't show, but we know how hurt she is more than us inside.

Please dont push us away because clearly We All miss you more than any words can say.

#IMYP

Turning to My Last Teen-age

4th of October and I'll be turning 19.

Well, it'll just another day of a year aging. Nothing matter much. Age is just a figure i guess.

At least i know i get to celebrate my last birthday with you and it was one of the best for it was when i turn half legal. =) Glad and happy enough that the memory still appear vividly what happened the entire day last year and how i ended it by being just beside U.

If i was given a wish to be made, I would wish I could turn back time where it was just 8 of us.

Just peace, fun, no worries, and all those little petty dissatisfaction where it just last maximum one day.

Now growing up, there's really lotsa thing to put into matter.

Like they said, mind over matter and matter over mind.

What's important now i know i could never turn back time where there was you to take care of things that we cant able to solve or even carry out.

Today the task is to "stand on our own two feet".

Hopefully this last teen-age of mine, I could find back my lost mind and also of course the missing pieces of mine.

Till then, signing off and *pray*

=)

Wishes

It's close to 9 months now. Yes I calculate almost everyday.

Days gone by fast, don't they?

Day after day and memories filling up every mind of ours.

To think we've been through it, but we used this sentence everyday

"If daddy were still here......"

I won't hide to say that I almost forget what is like to be without a dad.

Am i starting to forget you or there's something wrong with me?

I don't know.

Reading back the past few post, I realise how much I've been going through your lost.

And now I'm numb after all the treatment given after your lost.

Life is life, as much complicated it is I gotta live it.

If I was given a choice to choose to stay or leave,

I'll leave.

Deep down inside, I reallly do hope and wish among million stars, that you were still around cause i know things will be much better.

IMY

i wonder

My eye tears up,

I start to cry, As my father whispers,

his final goodbye.

My mom is holding me back, stroking my head,

as my father lays, on his deathbed.

I'm bawling by now, and everyone knows,

My love for my dad, clearly shows.

Illness is bad.

Death is worse.

It will happen to all of us.

It's a never ending curse.

My dad closes his eyes, and falls into heaven,

before I can count, up to eleven.

He is gone now, And I miss him so.

Why, oh why, did he have to go?

There was never a message,

not even a bid,

i'm still wondering today,

am i still inside the picture?

should i just put your memories away to hide the changes,

or should i carry on like i used to but it's so hard?

it is easy to accept the fact still?

sometimes there's no use explaining or put more words into your sentence if their belief is only JUST THAT.

it'll make no difference for extra effort then.

shutting up is the best way, i hope for now.

I'm on my own since Your lost

without realising it's your 5th month since u were last here. it's been a very difficult journey. but who am i suppose to complain? I'm just a daughter that lost her Dad, she's a wife who lost her husband and main support. I know life is aint that easy when you were around too but i did not appreciate u. when was actually the last time i cried so hard after your lost? Today is the day again after the provocation where the unwanted thing to happen again. sigh.

and to that someone who said something bout cancer is all bout dying, F*** U ! i dont care whether u've changed yourself or what, i do forgive but i dont forget. that's what i can say. and for my entire life i will never forget their sin. covering up with sweet words. no way i am ever forgetting your lies, your words, your actions and definitely the sentences that brought up all this. stop putting on tht mask of yours. Im not blind like the others. I have my own point of view. I do see your sins. You're filthy in my eyes.

Daddy, if U were still here, things maybe better. IMY. I'll show my best for you and mummy. I'll be a better me. =')

And i'm sorry for what i've said and done. i may not pull back or swallow back the words but it wasnt intentional. SORRY.

sign out.

IMY

Daddy, i really miss u these days. sigh. it's gonna be your 100th day and i'm so clueless without u these days. i have no idea on what to do and i 'rebel' a l0t. since you're not in anymore, no more call from u anymore. i dont seems to know how to control myself. but deep down in my heart i know if u were here today i will know how to come back just to see u there again. but i just couldnt. =(

Daddy, visiting to all the places i used to be last with u brought back so much memory. Everytime i visit to Aeon, passing by Pasta Mania, that was the last restaurant i was with u there. Everytime there, u will wait for us to shop finish or even rush us back just because u were bored or u're just too tired. i wish it was that time again.

Daddy, so many things are undecided without u. i have many things to ask, ' Can i do that? can i go? ' there's so many things i still need your permission as usual. but why daddy? why u left so soon?

today we visited to the temple at Jenjarom. along the journey, today was the first time the one driving your car wasn't u. the one who always talk to me when i was on headset listening to songs. the one who will look at me at times looking at what I'm doing. the one will give me the sinis look. the one who will ask ,"want seafood"? i miss all that daddy. i really miss you. but what can i do?

i never stop missing you. practically my whole life now was to think what i last did with u

daddy. today i regret for not spending more time with u when there were time i suppose to. regret for not giving a helping hand when u need it. regret for being angry with u on the day u're wanted to get a laptop for me. regret for always listening to my songs when it was suppose to be your voice i shall listen to. sorry daddy that the day u came to take the spm results with me , i send u away just to be with my friends while i know it may be the last time I'm gonna have this moment with u. and now i actually realise i was the first one u actually took an official results with, and daddy, i sent u away. i'm a bad daughter. i was stupid and foolish to do so. and i know today it was too late. and today, going to uni, no longer for u to fetch me. i regret that i did not do my driving well and not having the chance to fetch u even once. even i didn't get the opportunity to drive yours soon. ='(

so many great movies to let u watch on screen today. american idol is up for u to comment like usual. so many stories to share with u on my friends, on my studies , on my stuff. but daddy, you're not here anymore.

why do u have to leave so soon? just a few days before u left, u were just fine. giving me the hope. that i can spend my future with u still. but just a few hours before u left, u didn't give me a call, a message or anything or even the last chance for u to talk to me. and u couldn't let me spend ur golden days with u together. so much yet no more.

after watching "it's okay Daddy's daughter" it makes me recall so much of u. how u try so hard to walk, how much u tried to get yourself back, trying not to rely on us but u have to, how u will not give me work, how u will give in to me somehow, how u defend for us, how u were always there for us, feeding us great food, giving us the best comfort, attending our intake in uni, giving us what we want but the only difference between u and appa is he survived the struggle. but daddy, u sacrificed in it, but daddy, somehow u won this battle. u really tried. =')

and i hope this sentence " it's okay, daddy's daughter" u could say it one day to me.=')

DADDY, IMY

Love,

JY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TB6VkEcXfTo

A Letter to Daddy

I watch a movie entitled 'heaven postman'. and that was the time you were hospitalized.

and if there's really a postman from heaven to help me deliver my messages to you, my Guardian Angel, the number of words are countless for everyday i have much to tell you.

You went off without a word, without any messages and lots of things undone.

so many things that life is so difficult to live on. still remember all the sweet memories with u in the hospital. all the tiny bitsy things. the sweet ones. the funny ones. the lovely one. and how tough were you last time when u were once younger. and yes, U R still tough and strong till today though now you're gone. Just 4 more days , daddy and it's ONE year. that's what i kept screaming to you moment before u left

24th Nov, the day you finally left to Unforgettable side and no longer to be in this world with us. leaving us behind clueless and just few memories that is never enough for a lifetime. For u already left a very deep scar in our hear since the moment u left.

24th Nov, 5 am where Mum tried to reach me but failed till finally the call came in reach. came over with the feeling, maybe its like the same old time when u need me to take care of you, talk to you, help you massage your leg or things you want only me to do. BUT I WAS WRONG. when i came in, you were already breathless, trying to gape for oxygen. your eyes were not even looking. and that was the image u gave to me when the last i saw you. Mum called me to be right beside you for maybe i might have the chance to wake you up, maybe you'll look at me, scold me or whatever you do as long as u have a response. but everything was not as hoped for. =(

you did not wake up, no heartbeat, no response no nothing and for that,

you left without words, without message, or any last messages that might leave us move on better.

it's been three weeks plus now, Daddy. and i'm still looking upon the sky thinking. Are you there? or you're still beside me. for the first week, trying to accept that you were gone was really a deep agonizing pain in the heart. i couldnt even pay attention on anything i do. walking, pacing, studying and just whatever, my mind couldnt stop thinking how u left us so soon, leave us without any trace, but with just sorrow and the fact which is hard to accept. second week was fine, no idea why. i'm numb to it or i'm just too far away from you? now i rather to go up and down, tiring myself, staying awake, not retrieving any sleep just to take care of you. just to see you everyday, how you talk to me sarcastically, tease me, scold me, make me caught in words, just anything you would like to do just as long u still belong here with us. JUST AS LONG AS U STILL BELONG HERE WITH US.

NOW, everything is to late. you've finally 'walked' away. yes, in the afterlife there's no more pain, no more sickness but we in here, the scar u left in our heart is deep enough for us to remember ALWAYS,

NOW, everything is really too late.

no more u calling late night asking "where are you? when are you coming back"

No More.

or " how are you in uni?" "have u bath the dogs?"

there's many but the memory seems to fade away since u're no more here.

no more u calling me and i'll go "hehe" and this is the phrase i use it only on you.

and forever now, i have no one to call "PAPA, DADDY, FATHER" NO MORE ='(

Passing by those family with a father, a mother and their lovely childrens makes me envy so much and regret so much i didnt spend enough time with you. like my friend said, it'll never be enough. but to think that in the future you wont be around to take care of us, to raise us and to love us like how shower us with your thought , care and concern will never ever happened anymore.

always reaching to the hospital or the first we do when we come back, we'll rush in your door and ' pa, have you eaten, feeling better? " and now coming back you're NEVER there anymore.

wanted to watch movie with u, wanted to tell you that i can finally make you proud, wanna tell you so many things that i couldnt think of any now.

not only the words for you are endless but the list of things i still wanna do with you is endless.

i wonder daddy,

in the future, could i ever have the opportunity to say to my friends how great and funny you were.

you once tell so much stories that really could crack people up. how great you were last time almost became a police, no, a SEARGENT .

or how you was around 40, fighting a gang of workers whose against you just on your own.

how you worked hard just to raise money to take Great care of us.

going outside everyday, drinking to socialise and going to the high risk area just to find money.

now if were to rethink, maybe none of this would have happened if you werent that concern, werent such an awesome dad, werent that loving.. sigh.

speaking of love, how you and mummy met up at a swimming club, =)

like you said, if you were to be a police officer, or be some one else with brighter future or more wealthy, we wont be here anymore or we never ever met. and for that, i will never know such a great daddy like you.

Daddy, Pa, i couldnt think of what else i can write for you. so many things. and i've been sending so many 'messages' to you up there just to hope you will listen to reply. i was hoping to see the stars every night ever since grandpa is gone. now that you're gone too, i NEVER stopped looking at the sky every night just to search for bright stars shining upon us. thinking that you're watching us, but there's nothing.

now, i'm putting the 'letter' inside the box hoping you could receive it and 'reply' me.

dont worry daddy, i'll send you message everyday like how i used to. =)

and someday, hopefully at the letter box area, i could somehow 'meet' you and tell you daddy,

I LOVE YOU =)

"when u grow weary of carrying this burden , there beside u, i will be. when u regret beginning such a dangerous endeavour there beside u i will be.

when u feel as though u cant go on, and wish to raise hands in surrender when u feel frustrated that what's before u is beyond ur capabilities and even if.. we ultimately come away with nothing having to face defeat with empty hands by your side there will always be me"

you've been though the pain for us and last as long as you could, thanks daddy.

love always, JY