A Letter to Daddy

I watch a movie entitled 'heaven postman'. and that was the time you were hospitalized.

and if there's really a postman from heaven to help me deliver my messages to you, my Guardian Angel, the number of words are countless for everyday i have much to tell you.

You went off without a word, without any messages and lots of things undone.

so many things that life is so difficult to live on. still remember all the sweet memories with u in the hospital. all the tiny bitsy things. the sweet ones. the funny ones. the lovely one. and how tough were you last time when u were once younger. and yes, U R still tough and strong till today though now you're gone. Just 4 more days , daddy and it's ONE year. that's what i kept screaming to you moment before u left

24th Nov, the day you finally left to Unforgettable side and no longer to be in this world with us. leaving us behind clueless and just few memories that is never enough for a lifetime. For u already left a very deep scar in our hear since the moment u left.

24th Nov, 5 am where Mum tried to reach me but failed till finally the call came in reach. came over with the feeling, maybe its like the same old time when u need me to take care of you, talk to you, help you massage your leg or things you want only me to do. BUT I WAS WRONG. when i came in, you were already breathless, trying to gape for oxygen. your eyes were not even looking. and that was the image u gave to me when the last i saw you. Mum called me to be right beside you for maybe i might have the chance to wake you up, maybe you'll look at me, scold me or whatever you do as long as u have a response. but everything was not as hoped for. =(

you did not wake up, no heartbeat, no response no nothing and for that,

you left without words, without message, or any last messages that might leave us move on better.

it's been three weeks plus now, Daddy. and i'm still looking upon the sky thinking. Are you there? or you're still beside me. for the first week, trying to accept that you were gone was really a deep agonizing pain in the heart. i couldnt even pay attention on anything i do. walking, pacing, studying and just whatever, my mind couldnt stop thinking how u left us so soon, leave us without any trace, but with just sorrow and the fact which is hard to accept. second week was fine, no idea why. i'm numb to it or i'm just too far away from you? now i rather to go up and down, tiring myself, staying awake, not retrieving any sleep just to take care of you. just to see you everyday, how you talk to me sarcastically, tease me, scold me, make me caught in words, just anything you would like to do just as long u still belong here with us. JUST AS LONG AS U STILL BELONG HERE WITH US.

NOW, everything is to late. you've finally 'walked' away. yes, in the afterlife there's no more pain, no more sickness but we in here, the scar u left in our heart is deep enough for us to remember ALWAYS,

NOW, everything is really too late.

no more u calling late night asking "where are you? when are you coming back"

No More.

or " how are you in uni?" "have u bath the dogs?"

there's many but the memory seems to fade away since u're no more here.

no more u calling me and i'll go "hehe" and this is the phrase i use it only on you.

and forever now, i have no one to call "PAPA, DADDY, FATHER" NO MORE ='(

Passing by those family with a father, a mother and their lovely childrens makes me envy so much and regret so much i didnt spend enough time with you. like my friend said, it'll never be enough. but to think that in the future you wont be around to take care of us, to raise us and to love us like how shower us with your thought , care and concern will never ever happened anymore.

always reaching to the hospital or the first we do when we come back, we'll rush in your door and ' pa, have you eaten, feeling better? " and now coming back you're NEVER there anymore.

wanted to watch movie with u, wanted to tell you that i can finally make you proud, wanna tell you so many things that i couldnt think of any now.

not only the words for you are endless but the list of things i still wanna do with you is endless.

i wonder daddy,

in the future, could i ever have the opportunity to say to my friends how great and funny you were.

you once tell so much stories that really could crack people up. how great you were last time almost became a police, no, a SEARGENT .

or how you was around 40, fighting a gang of workers whose against you just on your own.

how you worked hard just to raise money to take Great care of us.

going outside everyday, drinking to socialise and going to the high risk area just to find money.

now if were to rethink, maybe none of this would have happened if you werent that concern, werent such an awesome dad, werent that loving.. sigh.

speaking of love, how you and mummy met up at a swimming club, =)

like you said, if you were to be a police officer, or be some one else with brighter future or more wealthy, we wont be here anymore or we never ever met. and for that, i will never know such a great daddy like you.

Daddy, Pa, i couldnt think of what else i can write for you. so many things. and i've been sending so many 'messages' to you up there just to hope you will listen to reply. i was hoping to see the stars every night ever since grandpa is gone. now that you're gone too, i NEVER stopped looking at the sky every night just to search for bright stars shining upon us. thinking that you're watching us, but there's nothing.

now, i'm putting the 'letter' inside the box hoping you could receive it and 'reply' me.

dont worry daddy, i'll send you message everyday like how i used to. =)

and someday, hopefully at the letter box area, i could somehow 'meet' you and tell you daddy,

I LOVE YOU =)

"when u grow weary of carrying this burden , there beside u, i will be. when u regret beginning such a dangerous endeavour there beside u i will be.

when u feel as though u cant go on, and wish to raise hands in surrender when u feel frustrated that what's before u is beyond ur capabilities and even if.. we ultimately come away with nothing having to face defeat with empty hands by your side there will always be me"

you've been though the pain for us and last as long as you could, thanks daddy.

love always, JY